A day in the life of a dog

Back to the butcher shop...

2007-01-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

I woke up late this morning and knew immediately that something was up. All the kids had left for school, but the parents were still home. So I got out of bed and went downstairs for breakfast. As usual, breakfast was that nasty dry crap they always give me, but since the "incident", they had added a little twist afterward. After I finished my meals, now they would give me a piece of meat or cheese with some little crunchy things in it. The crunchy things tasted kinda gross, but I'd eat almost anything wrapped in cheese, so it was no big deal.

So, after breakfast, they called me into the living room. As I walked in there, I noticed they were standing by "the box" with the door open. I wasn't about to get back in that thing after what happened to me last time, so I tried to bolt. Unfortunately, the combination of my wound, the drugs I had been taking (I found out later that the crunchy things in the cheese were actually pills), and the gigantic cone on my head made me a bit less agile than I usually am (and I was kind of a klutz before), so I was easily apprehended. Still, I wasn't going into that torture chamber without a fight, so I planted myself and gave all I had in resistance. In the end, they won, but I felt a little better having made it so difficult for them.

As I suspected, we arrived shortly at the hospital. I couldn't imagine what indignities they might inflict on me this time. Maybe they would put bows in my hair and dress me as a ballerina. I shuddered in anticipation. I guess Dad could sense my apprehension, so he opened the side window of the box and gently stroked my ears (I love when he does that) until I calmed down a little. About this time, a nice lady came to get me. When I noticed she was carrying a pink leash, I got scared all over again.

Luckily, my fears were unfounded. All they did was remove the drain tube from my chest. It was painless (not that I'm bothered by pain, anyway) and only took a minute. When it was time to go back home, I still protested at being shoved in "the box", but not quite as vigorously. I don't want them to get soft, y'know.

When we got home, they "sprung" me from my cell and everything was business as usual (except that I was still viewing the world from the inside of a bullhorn). Oh well, I guess it could be worse.

Ouch!

2007-01-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I sure did it now. I was running around the backyard as usual, chasing the bushy tailed vermin. I wasn't looking where I was going and ran right into a piece of pipe that was sticking about 8 inches out of the ground. Apparently, it was once used to hold up a tree or something. Anyway, it caught me right in the chest, leaving a pretty nasty gash.

When I went back inside, I was trying to act nonchalant, but my mother saw my wound and called for my father. One look at the flap of skin hanging off my chest and he said, "that's going to need stitches. Wonderful. So they shoved me in "the box" and hauled me to the vet. They had to leave me in the car while they filled out all the paperwork because even in my semi-crippled state, I'd have still tried to eat all the other cute little furry things in there. When they finally came to get me, my father and some other guy carried me all the way to the back of the place, through several doors and down a couple of hallways and set me down.

It seemed like I was there forever, but I'm sure it wasn't really all that long. Finally, they came and took me out of the box and checked me out. Before I could say, "Hey, what are you doing", they had shaved my legs and stuck a needle in one of them. The worst part was that they did a really lousy job. They only shaved the bottom of each leg. I looked like an idiot. As I was wondering how I was going to explain this to the other dogs in the neighborhood, I started to get really sleepy. I just couldn't stay awake.

I woke up feeling kind of drunk. My head was spinning and everything seemed really loud. Something else felt a little strange, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. As I sat there scratching my head, it came to me. I wasn't scratching my head. I couldn't scratch it because there was a lampshade around my neck! Great. If the other dogs were going to laugh at my shaved legs, they were going to have a field day with this. The doctor came in after a few minutes to talk to me. I almost said something about how retarded my legs looked, but I figured I better just shut up. After all that had already happened to me, I couldn't imagine what they might do if they were offended. Anyway, the doctor explained to me that I had really done a number on myself. Not only had I ripped a 6-inch gash in my chest, but I had also peeled it back like a flap and even torn my pectoral muscle. He told me about how they had to stitch my muscle back together before stitching up the flap of skin. He also showed me where they had inserted a drain tube to prevent fluid buildup between the muscle and the "loose" skin. I tried not to smile, but I couldn't help being a little proud of myself. I don't do anything half-assed.

Eventually, I got to go home. It didn't really hurt, but I milked it for all it was worth. I got lots of attention from everybody. I'll be sure to keep you updated as I recover.

Oh, the Humanity! (caninity?)

2006-12-14T21:54:00.000-08:00

Today I suffered the worst of indignities. Dad came home for lunch and let me out for a while like he usually does, so I decided to take a little stroll around the pool. Now as you may know, the pool really isn't my favorite place to hang out, ever since the boys "accidentally" tossed me in it to see if I could swim. But I figured since nobody was around, I'd be safe. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I slipped and fell into the freezing cold water and had a very difficult time getting back out. To add insult to injury, the whole event was caught on the backyard security camera and preserved for posterity. I figure I might as well show you here before you see it on YouTube or something. Here's the link.

Click here to see the video (but don't laugh).

Getting ready to go

2006-05-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

Well, the folks are packing up the big rolling turd tonight to leave in the morning. I heard them say something about going to a lake. I'm pretty sure they're going to take me with them again, since they put a bunch of my stuff in there and they've been letting me hang out with them while they get ready for their trip instead of avoiding me out of guilt like they usually do. When Dad was loading up the firewood, I jumped into the compartment and posed for a photo. Sometimes, even I can't believe how cute I am. ;-)

Luke

Now it all makes sense.

2006-05-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure you know, I've been a little miffed about my family's recent RV purchase, my new prong collar, and the knowledge that I'd be a latchkey dog for most of the summer, since they undoubtedly had extensive travel plans that as usual, would not include me. Then, to add insult to injury, they seemed bent on training me to walk on a leash and behave nicely in public. I could see no point in this, since I would be spending my summer locked in the house, staring at squirrels through the window. Yippee. I must try to control my enthusiasm.

Anyway, I could see they were getting ready to leave yesterday morning and Sascha hadn't arrived yet to stay with me, so it was pretty obvious I was going to be on my own. At least when they leave me by myself, it's usually a pretty short trip. I was just going to have to make the most of it. So, as they came in the house for the last time before leaving (presumably to give me the "Be a good dog and you'll get a treat when we get home" speech), I got the surprise of my life. They put my leash on me and TOOK ME WITH THEM! Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for all the bad things I had wished upon them (like a persistent foul odor from their holding tanks). Then just as suddenly, my feeling of guilt was replaced with jubilation at the fact that I would be the source of the foul odors on this trip! No holding tank stoppage would be necessary. I could pollute the air at will.

And pollute I did. Several times on the trip, It got a little stuffy in there, so I made the windows roll down (if you know what I mean). Hey, I had to remind everybody who's the boss, right? So we got to our destination (right on the beach at Half Moon Bay for those who care), set up camp, and went for a walk along the beach (but not on the beach because dogs aren't actually allowed on the beach. Something about the Snowy Plover...). I even got to sunbathe outside for a while. I had to be tied to the side of the motorhome, but I found a nice grassy spot and made myself plenty comfortable. We spent the night there and came home Sunday morning. It was a ton of fun. I think I'm going to like this camping thing after all.

I guess it's not all bad.

2006-05-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

The bad news is that they've been putting that prong collar on me an awful lot.The good news is that every time they do, we get to leave the house and go for a walk around the neighborhood. I guess it could be a lot worse. Last night, I even got to hang out in the motorhome with them for a while. Of course, I still wasn't allowed on the furniture, but they did put a bed in there for me, so I guess I'll survive.

Guess what they got me now.

2006-04-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

As if leaving me to fend for myself while they go on vacation wasn't enough, it seems my family now wants to torture me. They got me a new collar that has a bunch of little prongs inside it that stand up when I try to pull away. It doesn't really feel very good. I mean it's fine when I walk nicely, but when I try to chase a cat or something, I can't pull nearly as hard before the prongs poke me in the neck, causing me discomfort. So now I have to walk nicely on the leash without pulling or my neck gets turned into a pincushion (Ok, they're not actually sharp. I'm just being dramatic, but it still makes tug-o-war a whole lot less fun.) What could possibly be the point of this thing, anyway?

We all know what this means...

2006-04-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

So, you remember the week I spent at home last year while the family cavorted around the countryside in a rented RV? Well now they've gone and bought one of those behemoths! Obviously, I'm going to be spending a lot more time alone starting now and I'm not very happy about it. They already left me alone overnight while they went to pick it up. This is only the beginning, I'm sure.

Just a funny picture

2006-02-12T14:20:00.000-08:00

I found this picture on the internet, thought it was funny, and felt like sharing it with you, my adoring fans. Poor Trevor, huh? Luckily, such a thing could never happen to me, since my original owners were kind enough to relieve me of the encumbrance that was my um, reproductive equipment. Maybe I should add neuticles to my Christmas list. My dad wants to get me the extra large size (meant for bulls), but my mom won't have any part of it. Too bad, because I'd be the neighborhood stud muffin for sure. At least I'm not bitter (well maybe a little).

On a lighter note, my humans stayed overnight in Santa Cruz last night and asked Sascha and her boyfriend, Scott to watch me again. This time, I was really good and didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to do. They were so proud of me when they got home and heard the good report. Little do they know, I'm just building up their confidence so I can take advantage later. They really don't give me enough credit (evil grin).

Well, that's all for now. Goodbye until next time.

Luke

The one that got away...

2006-02-08T17:05:00.000-08:00

Well, today I came closer than I ever have to catching one of those furry-tailed tree rats that infest my backyard. He was in the pear tree, which is no more than about 10 feet tall, isn't close to any other trees, is about 100 years old, and doesn't look like it would support a sparrow, let alone a squirrel (or a fat Pitbull, if you catch my drift). Anyway, I had him cornered in the tree and I was waiting under it with my mouth open, drooling. He was obviously nervous because he was darting back and forth on his little branch, just out of my reach, with his furry tail flicking back and forth. He couldn't stay up there forever and when he came down, he was going to be a meal. I could taste it already. I barked a few times to say, "You'll never get away from me, so you might as well just give up now. I'll try to make it as painless as possible." But then I saw him crouch down as if to jump. He couldn't possibly be thinking of jumping. The nearest tree branch was nearly 20 feet away. He'd miss and be Pitbull food for sure. Sure enough, he reached way down inside himself and gave it every bit of effort he could muster. He launched into the air, nearly breaking the branch off the pear tree as his little legs shoved backwards against it with a vigor only found in a creature fighting for its life. He arced high into the air, body outstretched, hands flailing, and as luck would have it, caught a tiny sprig of pine tree with one hand. He swung back and forth for a few seconds, trying to get a firmer grasp on the branch, looking down the whole time to see me still waiting with my mouth open. With a desperate burst of energy, he managed to swing his body up, grab the branch, and scurry off, laughing at me. But the last laugh will be on him. As soon as I save up some money, I'm buying a set of these. Let's see what those little buggers do then.

Another action-packed weekend

2006-01-15T15:21:00.000-08:00

The weather has been really nice here today. Unfortunately, that means all those little furry rodents are scurrying around in the trees like they own the place. Ha! They obviously don't know that I own this place. Well, they didn't know, but they sure know now. As soon as I saw them, I pressed my nose against the glass of the back door and started breathing like I was going into anaphylactic shock (the universal sign to let my family know that I want to go outside, NOW!). They opened the door just in time to keep me from smashing through the glass and I tore outside like my tail was on fire. After a few barking lunges up the trees, those little buggers knew who was boss. My dad must not know who's boss, though, since he made me come back in the house. Such a thankless job. Now I'm pooped and I'm going to bed. I'll talk to you all later.

Computer problems

2006-01-11T20:28:00.000-08:00

I keep getting an error when I try to use my computer. Unfortunately, I'm not all that tech savvy (though not bad for a dog) and can't seem to figure this one out. Maybe one of my better-informed readers can tell me what this means and what I should do to fix it. I've included a copy of the error message for you to look at. Any help is appreciated.

Does this tail make my ass look big?

2006-01-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

So, I got an email from my old family (the ones I used to own before I took over this family) today and they actually had the nerve to tell me I looked "chubby" in my pictures. Me? Chubby? I'm deeply offended (as I should be). Here I am, trying my hardest to eat right and exercise and people obviously don't appreciate my efforts. Alright, maybe I eat like a pig and sleep all day, but they still shouldn't call me chubby. Oh well, I guess it's time to start dieting before they call me a complete lard ass.

[sarcasm] Yippee, new furniture [/sarcasm]

2006-01-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Well, my family got a nice, new leather sofa and loveseat yesterday. Of course, the first thing they did was tell me I wasn't allowed on it. I was a little upset because it always seems like they want to keep me off of the good furniture. They're probably still upset about that little incident where I tore up the old sofa and distributed the pieces throughout the house. Geez, some people really carry a grudge. You'd think they could just let bygones be bygones by now.

Luckily, I'm smarter than they are. I'm going to wait until they go to sleep tonight and curl right up on that baby. As long as I wake up before they do, nobody will be the wiser.

Wow, another Christmas

2005-12-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go? I can't believe it's already been 7 years since my last Christmas (and almost as long since my last post). As usual, my family recognized my superior intelligence and went to great lengths to make me think they didn't get me anything for Christmas, even going so far as to put other people's names on all the packages to throw me off. Of course I'm way too smart to be fooled by such a simple ploy, so I opened all the ones that even looked like they might be mine. I'm pleased to report that I got 2 video games, a Target gift card and a large assortment of cosmetics. I'm going to look mighty pretty when I go shopping at Target for a new X-box. The mother wasn't very happy when she saw what I had done, but I think she was just a little disappointed that I ruined the surprise (since it was still a few days before Christmas). I also got a cool brush that's supposed to eliminate odors. Do you think they're trying to tell me something? Check it out here and tell me what you think.

Woohoo! They're back!

2005-07-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I heard somebody opening the front door. I crawled out from under the bed and meandered downstairs, expecting to be greeted by Sascha again. You can imagine my surprise when I saw my family instead! They didn't abandon me forever after all. In fact, they could hardly keep their hands off of me. I of course had no problem soaking up all the attention, and made sure I let them know how happy I was to see them, too. I can't wait to share all of my stories from the past week with them. Well, maybe I better just keep some of them to myself. ;)

Nothing like a good night's sleep.

2005-07-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling particularly well-rested this morning. I attribute this to the fact that I spent last night in the parent's bed. I know I'm not supposed to sleep in the bed, but Dad didn't really tell Sascha very much about what I'm allowed and not allowed to do, so I figured I'd give it a try. I waited until she fell asleep, then carefully climbed into bed and curled up on the pillow next to her. I felt like I was in heaven with the soft pillow under my head and the pillow top mattress gently but firmly supporting every part of my anatomy. I could easily get used to this. I quickly drifted off to sleep and didn't wake up until morning. When I opened my eyes, there was Sascha looking at me, face to face. I flashed my irresistible smile as if to say, "Hey, is this cool if I crash here?" and she smiled back at me, muttering something about me getting away with murder because Dad wasn't here. But she didn't kick me off the bed, so I guess I'll be spending the next couple of nights just like the humans do. Ahh, life is good.

She loves me, she really loves me.

2005-07-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight for dinner, I got a special treat. Sascha ordered a turkey sandwich from Z Pizza. At first, when it arrived, I wasn't really all that excited. I mean, the pizza delivery guy has been here a thousand times before, and he's never brought me anything. Sure, the family gets to eat pizza, but I still get the same dry dog food crap. So I'm sure you can understand how I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment by thinking I was going to get any of it. I feigned disinterest as she carefully unwrapped the sandwich. I tried to control my enthusiasm as I began to salivate, again not wanting to be sorely disappointed for the umpteenth time. But it seems tonight was different. After she unwrapped the sandwich, she set it on the counter and walked into the bathroom. It was for me after all! I sprang into action, grabbing the sandwich and devouring the entire thing in a matter of seconds. It was even more yummy than I had imagined. I let out a small burp and waited to thank Sascha when she returned from the bathroom. When she emerged, I smiled graciously at her as if to say, "I love you. Can I go live with you instead of these culinarily challenged buffoons?" She looked at my smiling face, then the sandwich wrapper, then the empty plate. I'm certain she was thrilled that I enjoyed the meal she bought for me, but she did a remarkable job of concealing the jubilation that must have been welling up inside her. Instead of jumping for joy, she simply shook her head and let me outside. I think the only thing that would have made the meal better is if she had ordered something for herself, too, and then we could have dined together. Oh well, I guess she must be on a diet or something.

A new babysitter

2005-07-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

It doesn't look like Mike is going to be feeding me this week. Some new chick showed up tonight and told me she's going to be staying with me for the week. Cool! This is going to be more fun than I thought. My very own personal servant to feed me, pet me, play with me, and attend to my every need 24 hours a day. I think I can get used to this.

She told me her name is Sascha and she's my Dad's friend from work. I must admit that I was a little disappointed to hear that she had to go to work every day instead of hanging out here with me. But I guess I'll survive, since all I normally do during the day is sleep under the bed. I need my beauty sleep, y'know...

Gone on vacation

2005-07-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

Well, somebody left today for vacation, but once again, it wasn't me. The whole family took off in a gigantic rolling house thing and left me to guard the castle and fend for myself as usual. They told me they wouldn't be back for a week. A WEEK! What am I supposed to do here by myself for a whole week? This is going to suck. I wonder if that guy Mike is going to come by and feed me like the last time they went away.

Mmm... chewy.

2005-04-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I made a fantastic new discovery - bubble gum! I've seen the kids chewing this stuff before and always thought it looked yummy, but they've never been kind enough to share with me. Tonight, though, must have been my lucky night because somebody left a big bag of gumballs out where I could reach it. Since I'm not one to pass up an opportunity, I went right to work eating as many of those tasty little buggers as I could cram in my mouth before I got busted. When Christopher finally caught me and took them away, I had eaten at least a pound of them. In fact, the bag was almost empty. Not bad, if I say so myself.

There is one minor problem. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to swallow the gum. Nobody ever told me to spit it out after the flavor went away. With a pound of bubble gum in my belly and my chronic gas problem, we're going to have more bubbles around here than the Lawrence Welk show. I just hope I don't float away.

Luke

I got in trouble today. :(

2005-04-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Mom left me alone in the kitchen tonight with a full garbage can. How can she expect me to resist something so inviting as that? Anyway, it's not the first time I've gone through the garbage and nobody ever got very upset before, but I guess this time they had been doing some painting in the house and there were roller covers in the garbage with wet paint on them. Obviously, I didn't want to eat those, so I set them aside on the floor. It turns out Mom didn't want the kitchen floor painted pastel blue. Personally, I thought it looked pretty nice, but I guess it didn't appeal to her personal sense of style. She gave me the evil eye and I went and hid in the laundry room. Once she's over the initial pissy fit, I'm sure I can use my sad puppy face to make it all better. But I think maybe I should wait just a little while.

Luke

Pitbull Forum

2005-04-03T21:29:00.000-07:00

I joined the Pitbull forum today (www.pitbullforum.com). What a cool bunch of people. I like it so much I even added it to my links. That is all.

Luke

Time to diet

2005-04-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I looked at myself in the mirror today and was startled to see that I'm starting to get a little "thick" around my middle. Where my ribs used to be visible, there is now nothing but soft, squish flesh. I'm even getting cottage cheese on by butt. Yuck!

So I've decided that from now on, it's nothing but healthy food and lots of exercise for me. I'm giving up pig ears, rawhide rolls, table scraps, and candy for a vegetarian diet. Yup, nothing but bean sprouts and green, leafy vegetables. Also, I'm going to run on a treadmill for 3 hours each day and do 500 pushups. Soft and squishy Luke will soon return to his former status as hard and toned Luke. I think I'll cut my sleep to 8 hours a day, as well. I'm tired of being lazy.

APRIL FOOL!! (I can't believe how gullible you people are.)

Whew! All this typing wore me out. I'm going to sleep (right after I grab a snack). See you later.

Dad's a dork.

2005-03-20T12:03:00.000-08:00

It would seem that the father had brain flatulence today because when he left this morning, he confined me on the wrong side of the gate! This was not necessarily a bad thing, because the mother was still in bed asleep so It was just me and that fluffy new couch. I had been wanting to try it out for quite some time now, but every time I even thought about getting on it, somebody would push me away and give me the usual "NO!". But now there was nobody to stop me. I was free to do as I pleased. I toyed with the idea for a few minutes, knowing it wasn't the right thing to do, but eventually letting curiousity get the better of me. I carefully stepped up on the cushion, feeling the luxurious microfiber enveloping my front paws. I closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the sweet bliss on my feet before climbing all the way on. It felt wonderful. I don't know if it was the softness of the fabric, the plush stuffing, or just the fact that I was doing something I was forbidden to do and knowing that I would get away with it because nobody was there to see me. I slowly walked the entire length of it, stepping gingerly to avoid doing any damage with my sharp toenails. When I got to the other end, I jumped off and went to sleep on the family room floor, pretending like it never happened.

The mother finally woke up and went downstairs to find me. She called me as she was coming down the stairs and was surprised when I didn't come running. I couldn't run to greet her, of course, because I was locked in the family room. Imagine her surprise when she noticed my predicament. Immediately, she went to the sofa to look for evidence of any transgressions. I was confident that she'd have no idea, so it was quite a shock when she looked at me and gave me the evil eye. Despite my best efforts to be stealthy, it seems that my feet left tell-tale paw prints in the microfiber from one end to the other. Darn! I was so busted! I quickly deployed my "cute puppy dog" face while rolling over on my back and disaster was averted. Ha ha, she's such a softie. ;-)

Other than that, I haven't been up to much. The rain has kept most of the squirrels away, so I have nothing to chase and there's very little in the house that I haven't already shredded. Hopefully, next time I'll have something a little more exciting to write about. TTFN

I guess I stink.

2005-02-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently, The humans found me a bit malodorous today because they came up with the brilliant idea to give me a shower. Exactly who was responsible for this bit of genius is still unclear but I think they must have drawn straws and Cody got the short one because before I knew what was happening, he was in the shower, I was with him, and he was lathering me up with Pert Plus shampoo. I had no idea they made a shampoo and conditioner in one. What will they think of next? Anyway, I decided to behave this time and just take it like a man... er, dog. I remembered how hard I fought last time and still ended up fresh and fluffy, so I figured it was best this time just to roll with it. And I'm glad I did. Now I smell like little green apples, which is much better than what I smelled like before. And if I want to make a stink, well, I know how. ;-)

Yippee! They're back!

2005-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Mike's a pretty cool guy. He fed me, gave me fresh water, and even petted me a little. I think he really likes dogs. In fact, I smelled a dog on him. I made sure to sniff his legs so he didn't think he was putting one over on me. The people are supposed to come home today, so I guess I better get to work on that couch.

They got home around dinner time. As I expected, they were ecstatic to see me. I was excited to see them, too, but mostly because I really had to pee and I still can't open the door by myself. They looked at the destroyed couch and didn't even yell at me. I'm pretty sure they felt guilty for abandoning me.

Yup, it must be guilt because they let me sleep in their bedroom tonight. I didn't get to sleep in the bed, but they brought my bed upstairs and placed it on the floor right next to theirs. Ahh... there's no place like home.

Vacation (without me).

2005-02-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

Today, the people all took off in the car for places unknown. As usual, they left me behind to fend for myself. They told me a neighbor would be by to feed me and that I should be good to him. I think it's going to be Mike, the guy I met last night because I heard the father talking to him about where my food was kept and how many times a day I needed to be let out so I could do my "business" (Yeah, seriously. That's what he called it.) I also heard him say that I'd probably tear up the couch again. Hmm... you know how I hate to disappoint.

My work here is never done.

2005-02-13T14:50:00.000-08:00

I finally succeeded in finishing off the sofa. But no sooner did they haul it off than they replaced it with a new one! My work here is never done. They've made it a little more challenging this time, too. Remember the gate I told you they installed? Well, now I'm confined on the other side of it. How confusing. I'll be sure to keep you posted as the saga continues.

Shopping for me (plus a surprise).

2005-01-03T10:54:00.000-08:00

Today, they took me to Petco. I thought it was going to be a fun trip, but I soon found out that I was there for a shampoo. I couldn't stand the thought of losing months of built-up mud and stench that I had worked so hard to accumulate, so I fought valiantly through the whole process. In the end, I did get the shampoo (an ear cleaning and toenail trimming, even) and I have to admit, it felt pretty good to be so fresh. I almost felt guilty for soaking the poor girl who had to wash me. Oh well, I'm over it. The good part about the trip was that they bought me a new bed. It's pretty comfy, but I think I may have to fluff it up a little.

Christmas? What is this Christmas of which you speak?

2004-12-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

The kids all woke up early this morning and gathered around the tree, apparently for some sort of ceremony. Then, they started tearing all the paper off the packages under the tree, after getting mad at me for doing the same thing only days earlier. I guess they just don't like to share.

I think I'm gonna puke.

2004-12-21T08:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling very good today. I woke up with a bit of a stomach ache this morning and so far, throwing up all over the family room has not made me feel much better. I wonder if I was supposed to unwrap those candy bars. Nah, how could they expect me to do that without opposable thumbs?

Woohoo! Presents for me!

2004-12-20T19:31:00.000-08:00

These people are strange. They've moved all the living room furniture around to make room for a dead tree they cut down. They've decorated the tree with lights and shiny pieces, presumably to ensure its happiness in the next life. I've noticed brightly colored packages starting to collect under the tree, too. Each day, it seems, there are more of them, all different shapes and sizes. It must be some sort of a game they're playing with me to see if I can figure out what's in them.

The thin paper they used to conceal the package contents was no match for my sharp teeth and powerful jaws. I opened several of them until I found my reward, a 2-pound bag of individually wrapped chocolate bars. Yum!

The people in the family, however, didn't share my enthusiasm for package unwrapping and put up a gate to confine me to the family room when they're not home from now on.

Rollin, rollin, rollin...

2004-11-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

The alpha female went someplace called "Costco" today and returned with tons of food. It would appear that she is the hunter in the family, since the alpha male just guards the den and waits for her to provide the family with food. I'm going to have to get myself a wife when I get older.

After the groceries were put away and the family had retired to their bedrooms, I noticed that they had left one item on the kitchen counter. Assuming it was for me, I pulled it down to check it out. It was a large bag of about 30 dinner rolls. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for (some meat to put on the rolls would have been nice), but I figured it was better than nothing. At least they were starting to appreciate all I do for the family. As I was finishing up the bag, they walked into the kitchen and scolded me. I figured they just wanted to share, so I offered the roll I had in my mouth. It was refused and I was sent outside (probably a good thing since I was experiencing some rumbling in my stomach by this time, anyway).

Free candy?

2004-10-31T21:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, it gets weirder. The kids just came home and the empty pillow cases they were carrying are now filled with candy. They explained to me that when they ring people's doorbells and say, "trick or treat", the other people put candy in their pillow cases. I'm going to have to try that.

Halloween

2004-10-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

Today is Halloween. Despite the kids' best efforts to explain the meaning of this holiday to me, I still can't figure out why they are dressing up in silly clothes and running around the neighborhood with pillow cases. What strange customs these people have.

Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump dump dump...

2004-10-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been really busy. The squirrels continue to breed and I have yet to actually catch a single one, though I've figured out how to get pretty high up in the trees. The sofa seems to be near death. I heard the people talking about taking it somewhere called the dump, which I think is like a cemetery for couches. I thought they'd be happy, but for some reason, they still don't appreciate my efforts.

Hmm... not the reaction I was hoping for.

2004-09-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, I didn't get quite the reaction I expected. They immediately took the couch's side, scolding me for attacking it! Can you believe that? I risk my life to save them from that behemoth and they have the nerve to be mad at me. How rude.

They're going to be so proud.

2004-09-02T15:33:00.000-07:00

The kids went back to school today after being home for the summer and I was left in the house alone. The squirrels, well aware of the fact that I can't unlock the door and leave the house, hung around the back yard all day, mocking me. That's ok, though because I was busy most of the day trying to neutralize the threat that the family calls, "The Sofa". The sofa is much larger than I am and at first appeared to be a formidable enemy. But as it turns out, its slow-moving nature renders it basically defenseless. I attacked it with the grace and precision of a Samurai, going right for the part that gives it its strength, the stuffing. I ripped open it's outer skin and removed most of the fluffy white stuff in an attempt to bring it down, but it just sat there, seemingly oblivious to its wounds. Obviously, it's going to require repeated strikes, but I'm sure my people will be quite proud of me just for the work I've done. I can't wait until they return home. I'm going to get a puppy treat for sure.

One fat dog.

2004-08-07T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well, they did it. They locked me in the bedroom like some kind of a vicious beast. Luckily, it didn't take long for the guests to start requesting the pleasure of my presence and I was soon released, a little grouchy but none the worse for wear. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent putting on my sad face, sucking in my belly, and walking around to all the guests so they'd feel guilty and throw me a chunk of barbecued tri-tip. It worked like a charm. By the end of the evening, I couldn't eat another bite. Not bad for a few hours work.

Party? Not for me!

2004-08-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, my family is having a bunch of people over for a swim party. Woohoo! I love parties. I hope I get to wear one of those pointy paper hats and play pin the tail on the cat.

Alright, now I'm pissed. They just told me they're going to lock me in one of the bedrooms during the party so I don't bother the guests. These people obviously don't know who runs this house.

Stupid squirrels.

2004-07-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Yes I know, I write a lot. It's just that the novelty of having my own computer (the father of this family is some sort of computer geek and thinks everyone should have a computer) is still fresh and I'm thoroughly enjoying not having to share a computer with anybody else, like I used to.

While this place is nice, it's not without it's problems. The huge backyard that I spoke of previously is, unfortunately, completely overrun with puffy-cheeked, bushy-tailed rodents. It's almost a full time job for me to run around the yard barking at them and chasing them up the trees. Sometimes, I try to climb the trees after them, but I just don't seem to be equipped to catch them. I remember seeing a show one time about how to catch smaller, faster animals. I might just have to take some of Wile E. Coyote's advice and give the Acme Rocket Company a call. Those squirrels won't stand a chance (evil laugh). Maybe if those dummies would stop feeding them...

No turning back now.

2004-07-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have officially relocated. So far, things are going even better than expected. In a pathetic effort to win my affection, they keep giving me dog treat after dog treat. I already think they're the best thing since sliced bread (mmm... bread), but I continue to act depressed so as not to jeopardize the constant flow of canine cuisine. Eventually, though, I'm going to have to cave in.

Met the new family.

2004-07-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

We just returned home from meeting the new family. I'll be the first to admit that my skepticism was misplaced. They seem like very nice people. They have a huge yard, a pool, and five kids to shower me with affection. The only think missing in their lives is the immeasurable joy that only a magnificent pet such as myself can bring. I look forward to enriching their feeble existences. They do need a little bit of obedience training, but I think with some hard work and perseverance, they can be just the way I want them. I will be making the big move this weekend. Update to follow.

The Big Apple or the big goose egg?

2004-07-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

My humans told me today that they are moving to New York. I was so excited! I love The Big Apple! (Actually, I've never been there, but how bad can it be if it's named after food?) Unfortunately, my exuberance was short-lived because it seems what they meant was that they were moving to New York. I would be going on a much shorter trip tomorrow evening to meet my new family. The humans assured me that the new humans would continue to treat me like the royalty I am and that the extravagant lifestyle to which I had become accustomed would not change. I shall remain skeptical until after I have evaluated the new family for myself.